Mandatory reading for anyone who has a computer, knows what a computer is, or everyone who doesn't fall into either of those categories.
So you're reading the gossip column about a Kardashian and you want to comment. You fire up the old computer, come up with a sexy pen-name like "Flagella Been" and write your comment.
I could of been rich to like that ho, if I didn't loose the lotto ticket -
most people who read these columns will never notice - but those out there who have graduated high school
(not Texas) will probably mark you as a dope.
STRIVE FOR BETTER - IMPROVE YOUR LIFE - GET A REAL JOB INVOLVING ENGLISH!
Follow Uncle Grumpy's rules of grammar (yes it is spelled that way) and change your life.
Before you even think of commenting on anything, anywhere, consider this - and look smart - be the envy of your friends, get a job reading the news on TV, marry a guy with a job, or a girl with a figure!
- To - two -too. This is easy stuff - often confused by those seeking a GED.
I'm going to the store to buy two boxes of wine, because my thirteen year old cousin wants to get drunk too.
To is a direction or action, two is a number between one and three, and too means "also".
- Lose - loose. You can lose (misplace) your wallet, and if your pants are not tight they're loose.
I'm going to lose my virginity to my loose thirteen year old cousin. (In this case loose means "ho")
- Ask vs. Axe. You can ask a question, and hit the guy with an axe if you don't like the answer.
Ask the lumberjack with the axe to chop down two christmas trees for me and my thirteen year old cousin.
- Of and have. The phrase "I could of" really makes people think you're illiterate. It's "could have".
I could have saved my thirteen year old cousin if I had known CPR when she choked on the box of wine.
- Proper use of words. Rarely using "seen" never using "ain't" knowing when to use "nothing"
I seen him driving down the street. I ain't seen nothing like it since I seen my thirteen year old cousin choke.
- Very few things will set you apart from the Harvard graduate faster than the above. These are tough and require a lot of thought, so here it is; I see is the present - I saw is the past - I have seen is fancy for "I saw" . I've seen is fancy for I have seen. Ain't is never to be used. It ain't nothing is a double negative - means it is something. Use isn't instead of ain't.
I see my thirteen year old cousin in my mind. I saw my thirteen year old cousin in the hospital. I've seen my thirteen year old cousin looking better. She isn't doing all that well.
Well I think that's enough for one session - follow my advice, use the spell checker, and you'll look smarter, attract better quality friends, and your breath will smell like daisies.
